Fill my cup ‘til it’s overflowing II

Part 2 to Fill my cup ‘til it’s overflowing where Te Rau Hihiri trustee Elena shares more about her sober journey.

Ko Te Pū

Like a seed, it started small. The goal 100 Days. If the seed is the source, the origin, in this period of dormancy I needed time and focus to protect and nurture it.

In the beginning, I kept most of my feelings and thoughts to myself. I didn’t quite have the words to articulate things out loud. I was coming to terms with the decision I had made and needed some time to really figure out my ‘why’. 

I questioned time and time again whether I was ready to really commit to this. And what was ‘this’?. My kare-a-roto were all over the show. I cried a lot. I had pretty much been numbing my emotions over the years with a splash of wine. And now they were back, and with a vengeance!! They felt intense, at times brutal, but beautiful too.

E tipu e rea mō ngā rā o tō ao. Grow up and thrive for the days destined to you. Well fuck me! So simple! Grow the fuck up, and thrive Lanes. There are better days destined for you girly.

Ko Te More

The taproot started to form and take hold. After the first weekend, the first month – the 100 days felt possible and within reach. There were times when I felt that rather than missing out, I was actually gaining. I suddenly had more time available. I remember one Saturday arvo I had nothing planned and felt a true sense of being free and open to any possibility. The old me, would’ve stopped in at the supermarket to grab a bottle or two, the decision made and outcome certain. 

There were also times when I felt like I was definitely missing out! I really missed that glass of champas whilst getting ready to go out, and the first couple of rounds with whānau and friends. I missed having a bottle next to me unwinding on the couch. I also missed visiting my favourite aisles in the supermarket. I swear those bottles with their cute little labels were calling out to me “hey girl, you know you miss us”.

I joined the Living Sober online community. Checking the calculator on the regular was so motivating. I had been spending a shitload on wine! I started listening to sobriety podcasts, I was hungry for information and lived experience. I wanted to share all this new info I was learning about, but let’s be real, its not a very popular topic.  

I started therapy sessions with the intention of learning strategies to manage my stress levels, but in the first session I blurted out that I was giving sobriety a go. Upon listening to the kōrero that led to this decision, my therapist said she felt like I was having a second go at identity formation. Weird, because I couldn’t remember my first go at this! The sessions focused on exploring and defining my values, each focusing on one key domain of my life. I had to outline what I wanted to be remembered for and the legacy I wanted to leave. I looked forward to these sessions more and more and started to get excited about this future version of myself. 

Ka pū te ruha, ka hao te rangatahi. The old net is cast aside for the new one. It was time to let go of all the reasons and the excuses holding me back. It was time to turn towards vulnerability, honesty, curiosity and compassion to let go, forgive, seize opportunity and grow. 

Ko Te Weu

The roots started multiplying and, in doing so, they were holding this māmā firm. From this foundation, I started forming new perspectives and leaning into new experiences. A new season was unfolding. Let me expand a little.

Over time, I started to form new tirohanga through which to reflect. Some of my regrets, such as the times where stupid things had happened, minus the alcohol, none of the raru would’ve unfolded. It wasn’t me, or the actions of others to blame, it was straight-up alcohol. Whilst not entirely the excuse, it felt good to be able to name the main source of the problem. 

Experiencing special birthdays, concerts, work events, and date nights sober started out foreign. But once I got over the ‘missing out’ feels, I was actually able to ride on the vibes of my mates and enjoy the fun with them. Our whānau Matariki, my sisters popped a bottle of champas and I felt tiddly laughing and joking alongside them. Is this what being happy feels like? The science geek inside of me figured out that my dopamine receptors were activating all on their own, without the assistance of alcohol. 

This Christmas just gone was the first one sober in a very long time. I’m not sure that anyone in our whānau had a drink come to think of it. It wasn’t even a thing, a non-issue. If you had tried to tell me the year before that we would be having a sober Xmas, I would’ve cracked up. But it was a nice relief not having to time my bottles around getting to my sisters, cooking our kai, and planning how we were all going to get home again. 

Being involved with Te Rau Hihiri, our tribe with a vibe, gave me an outlet for the extra energy and time I had during the weekends and evenings. Our Kai Whai Hua events were taking off and the vibrations created in the room by our kaikōrero and our manuhiri, took me to a higher frequency, without the cocktails. 

The other kaupapa which really helped me through the year was Kurawaka, he wānanga ki te whakaako i ngā tikanga o te karanga. In this beautiful safe haven, I was able explore more deeply my ‘Why’. Each wānanga helped me connect with and draw strength from our ātua wāhine. And as the saying goes, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Our haerenga to and from Pōrangahau were just as healing and therapeutic as our noho, opening up and sharing with my girls waka wānanga styles.

Kurawaka Wānanga Whakatō Te Kākano, 2023

Me te mea kō Kōpū, ke rere i te pae. The beauty of a woman is like Venus rising above the horizon. I was starting to see new colours of beautiful within me, becoming me. 

Ko Te Aka

Twenty ninth of December – one full year sober. Throughout the year I had consumed about eight-ish glasses of wine; a wine taster whilst staying in Martinborough; a glass of champas in Sydney before heading to the Tina Turner show (RIL Tina); and a glass of wine with dinner on a couple of date nights. But I hadn’t been drunk in a whole year. Gone were the Friday 5pms, Saturday 2pms and Sunday 4pms. Our glass recycling bin now goes out every 3-4 months, as opposed to being full every month. Lol!

I thought the biggest question I might get is, so are you going to start drinking again? But that hasn’t really happened. My partner is back on the dry buzz to aid his health kick; and more and more people I know are cutting back. The non-alcoholic market is booming!! I probably spend just as much pūtea on kombucha and zero alcohol options. It’s still nice to enjoy a cold bevvy on a summer’s arvo, just need to get a little creative!

Moving forward, I’m excited and prepared for new seasons ahead including perimenopause – hit me up if you're into learning and talking about hormonal health. My hunger for learning is stronger than ever and I’m actively practicing the art of slowing down. My new favourite pastimes are reading or writing in bed with the late arvo sun shining through the window; and long walks stuck in my favourite podcasts. I’m learning how to be in my body and present in the moment. Meditation is the tahi!

I’m in love with my kids again. Sounds off, but I’m finding a new appreciation for my grown up babies even if they don’t really want to hang out with me (they actually do though haha). We are setting reo goals as a whānau. We are preparing ourselves to speak reo Māori to our mokos in years to come – mokopuna focused decision making here. 

My love language has always been quality time. I’m learning about what serves me and who serves me, and how I can be of true service to others, even in small ways.

I love the idea of being the CEO of my life! Taking back and protecting my time, letting others lead, listening first. Establishing new behaviours is an active pursuit on the daily. There are so many tools and cute journals to help. I love practicing gratitude and observing and tracking my energy with the tides.

Is not drinking a forever thing for me? I don’t know. Do I still miss it? Yes, but less and less. Have I changed? For sure! For the better? Who knows and who cares? Is summer better than winter, spring better than autumn? All seasons have a purpose and are needed so you can appreciate the next. 

I’m just ok over here, being ok.

Kia tīaho he māramatanga, kia tupu he uri ki te Ao. So that enlightenment might shine through and generations may rise. If there is one thing that I can do to honour my parents, each of them gone far too early, it is to heed lessons and make choices now that might help me achieve more sunrises and sunsets than they did. He momo taonga tuku iho mai i ōku mātua ki a au, ki āku tamariki mokopuna, ake ake ake. 

Kurawaka Retreat Centre is a holistic and wellness centre situated in Pōrangahau that offers many wahinetanga programmes and more. The titles used in this blogpost come from the different wāhanga of Whakatō te Kākano, a Level One karanga course. The whakatauki used throughout this blogpost were the whakatauki cards I received during my time at Kurawaka. These whakatauki become your karanga for the duration of each noho. The cards I chose, chose me. They were perfect for where I was at in my journey. I'm excited to be returning to Kurawaka this year for Level Two E Tipu, E Rea, and what messages await for me there.